Grad writeup: extended edition

This is what I had initially written to submit to the yearbook for my grad writeup, before I re-read it and realized how idiotic it would make me look considering the yearbook’s release date. Nonetheless, I felt my awkward-insight-that-only-comes-about-from-writing-things-at-2am shouldn’t go to waste.

When I first walked in the doors of [school] in grade 8, I was afraid of two things: Not making any friends, and being stuffed into a locker. Thankfully, I have successfully made friends <s>that I can copy notes off of and skip class with</s> with which I may share notes and spend spares, but I’m afraid it’s still possible for someone to stealthily push me into a locker some day before we graduate and close the lock. So, if you ever walk by in the hallways and hear muffled screams, give it a knock. I’ll tap three times so you know it’s me.

Not to worry, the one I actually submitted both followed the character limit and the standard model of the lamest grad writeup in the history of the world. I did spend some time looking in past yearbooks for inspiration, an endeavor I quickly gave up on after realizing that most writeups were just combinations of the following common phrases*:

• “Finally/it’s over/can’t believe we’re graduating” – Come now, saying this is like dangling a cookie in front of a grade 8 and putting it on the highest shelf, which they won’t be able to reach until they grow big enough in gr. 12. The only people who can savour the sentiment are other grads, who surely will know they are graduating by the time they read your writeup. (If not, I think we have a bigger problem.)
• “… 5 years are over …” – We are all relieved that you have asserted you can count.
• “I would like to thank my friends [ insert long list of initials here ]” – In 20 years, I’m pretty sure the letters will just look like W-T-F-I-T for you.
• “[insert cliche quote here that you will probably find 3 times in the yearbook in 2 different languages]” – Most commonly <s>ripped off</s> quoted: Shakespeare, Dr. Seuss, God, “Socrates and the gang”, dead english poets, Mr. Shieh, and their mom. (Ok, so I’m still looking for someone who quoted Mr. Shieh, but I’m optimistic…)
• “SoLikeIJustWantedToThankAllMyFriendsAndFamilyForMakingSureIDidn’tSkipClassAndGetPreg-” – Clearly, this person has never heard of a spacebar.
• “oMg i luv u all!!!!!1111 ^_~ **~~~~**~ ^_^Y ~~~ (v’ ‘v) (<’ ‘<) (^’ ‘ ^) (>’ ‘>) (v’ ‘v) ~~ <3!” – No comment.

<s>I look forward to making fun of fellow grads’ writeups in June</s> I can’t promise I’ll read your writeup unless the wit contained within the carefully-selected 400 characters is enough to block out the sun.

*Most of these are probably not actual phrases taken from others’ writeups – I just took some inspiration and dramatic liberties with what I came across in past books

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